Kien Kim:

I started my day on 12 December 2018 with anxiety in my heart. I was due to see my oncologist to review my MRI scan. The diagnosis - Cancer of the colon, stage 4, as the liver was also affected.

My eyes immediately closed in shock. In that few seconds, the only thought that came to me was: God use me! Then I opened my eyes, welled in tears.  I looked at my oncologist and smiled. My wife who was with me, choking in tears, asked the difficult question of how much time I have. My oncologist said - probably 6 months if my body does not respond positively to the medical treatment.

When I prayed God use me, I actually befriended this stranger in my body - Cancer (my brother calls it the Evil Thing). My journey with my new friend, Cancer began that very day.

Cancer likes to play and plays hard and rough. Cancer has made me go through multiple rounds of chemotherapy, each round expensive and destructive. It takes the spirit out of me, turning me into a zombie, weak, moody, nauseous, and very phobic of having to visit the hospital. But most of all it’s made me struggle with doubt about the existence of Jesus and God.

As I write this, I just know how messed up my system is inside my body. Blood fills my toilet bowl with each visit to the toilet and the visits can take place at 30-minute intervals. The discomfort is 24x7 and when the pain comes all I can do is to curl up on the floor and cry out to God for mercy. Sometimes, I pray - God take me home now.

I’m not doubting what God can do but as of now the scientific facts are there and my body is wasting away. I pray daily that God will use every ounce of my energy for His glory and I even bargain with God that I must also be physically capable of doing His will. Praise God that I can still be effective in prayer and sharing His love whenever I have the opportunity. He walks with me and talks with me along life’s narrow way.

Since I was told my cancer cells have spread in January 2020, my oncologist has been giving me 6-monthly visas.  Visa to live.  By God’s grace, I am still alive and this confounds my doctor.  However, I have been going to the hospital for one procedure after another since June 2020.  In June, I was in the hospital for a procedure to insert 2 tubes, one through each kidney, because the tumour was pressing on my ureter thus I cannot empty my bladder the normal way.  So I have to carry a urine bag around.  After the procedure, I felt like Dr. Octavius in the Spiderman show (this is a story on its own).

At the beginning of August 2020, I was in the hospital again, because my intestines were blocked and I had to undergo an emergency operation.  I came out of the operating theatre with another bag – a stoma bag. 

At the beginning of September 2020, severe pain developed in my buttock region.  I was not able to sit nor lie down to sleep.  I had a few sleepless nights until I went to see the oncologist again.  I was referred to an Interventional Radiology consultant who suggested putting 2 long needles into my buttocks and injecting alcohol in to “burn” some of the nerves there.  I prayed about it and consulted a doctor friend and decided not to proceed with it.  The pain is still there.  So I was referred to the palliative care unit where I was prescribed a cocktail of painkillers to be taken every day. 

Seriously, I pray daily to live a normal life again.  I confess that when the pain overwhelms me I drop my faith – I questioned the existence of God.  But as I quietened my spirit, I hear Him speaking and reassuring me through His Word (Bible), family members, and friends.  I went down on my knees, repented and healing began to take place again.  He showed that through those times of trials He has never left me, but was actually carrying me through the ordeal.  I got to know God more and in a very intimate manner in this journey of mine (I have a few short notes on these). 

Every night I pray, God bless my sleep; in the morning I say thank you God for the new day, thank You for Your grace and love, so use me this day.  I walk not in my own strength but Yours.  I see not with my own eyes but Yours that goes beyond the horizon.  I pray Holy Spirit empowers me that I may be guided by God’s wisdom and teaching.  Above all, I pray God’s love will envelop me because that will complete me!

The final moment of my life comes when I hear the knocking on my door.  I know for certain, it is not my friend, Cancer.  I will be so thrilled for when I open the door, I see my Jesus standing there – the good news will either be deliverance or He will lead me home.  Glory be to God the Father.