Now as a church we are looking at 'Focus on the Family' as a sermon series. The reason we do that is because we believed that the life changing message of Jesus dying for us is to be lived out in our lives, and the first place to live this life out is in the family. And a Christian should be someone who just, is not just someone who comes to church but his life is so changed by the love of Jesus Christ that he is a different man, a different woman in his family or in her family. So today we're looking at 'Focus on the Family' once again. We have gone through some 7 sermons already if I am not wrong and we're now at sermon No: 8 in 'Focus on the Family' and we're touching a subject that is rarely touched on anywhere. Anywhere meaning in churches. So today we're looking at something a little bit unusual but I trust should be helpful for all of you.
So today's subject as we've announced last week is 'Sex in Marriage'. Now I know straight away people can be uneasy, uncomfortable... wow... why are you talking about such a sensitive topic on a Sunday morning?

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Well, there are several reasons. No: 1, I... I think that this is a very important subject to deal with in the world we live in today. If you talk to anyone on the street, or if you were to be able to peel and see and look within their hearts, they will be thinking about 3 simple things. Everybody in this world is thinking about money, isn't it? Everybody in this world, if they do not know Jesus, they will definitely be thinking about money and then they will be thinking about power, and then they will be thinking about sex. So if we as a church, as God's people don't understand what is God's will with regards to sex, imagine how we can help um… the world today come to know Jesus Christ. So, sex in marriage may be uncomfortable for a start but believe me as we go along, God's Words make it so beautiful and pure for us.

So, why talk about sex? Putting down into words: I believe because if we don't, we are already saying something about it. If we're not ever in church going to talk about sex, then we're telling each other and we're telling our children and the younger generations that we are not supposed to talk about sex. In church, we can talk about Jesus; in church we can talk about evangelism; in church, we can talk about Bible but don't ever talk about sex! Because eeeee.... it's so dirty! Well, that will be what we think and our children will think because we never expose or never share and communicate the beautiful teaching of sex in marriage according to Scripture. Worse still, if we don't talk about sex, others will. I guarantee you! In fact, it is already going on, everybody in media talks about sex. Television, radio, internet and the world will tell you that sex is about lust, and not about love.
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So if we do not know the truth, everybody will fill you with falsehood. Another reason why I think we should talk about it is because if we don't, there can be guilt and shame and negativity associated with it. Now, let me say this, I think most people are introduced to the subject of sex in a very shameful and inappropriate way. You say why? Because they may be introduced, they first hear something about sex when their friend brings in a magazine, they see something on the internet, they watch a scene on movie show or television show and it's always in those contexts where it is dirty, shameful and inappropriate. Therefore there's a lot of guilt, there's a lot of shame, there's a lot of negativity when you talk about sex and therefore you cannot be thankful about it, neither would you think that sex can be a means by which God can be glorified. And because if we don't, we failed to enjoy and live out God's will for us. And so for these reasons and many more, I believe it's necessary for us as a church to look at sex in marriage.
Now, let me answer two very simple questions for you before we go into some other FAQs. Number one: What is Sex?

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What is sex? See, the world has a different idea of sex. They think that sex is a natural appetite, maybe like my appetite for food. And so they think of sex as a natural appetite that must be satisfied. Some others think of it even in a worse way. They think of sex as something that is physical, carnal, dirty and filthy. In fact, they think that sex is so bad, that you can never mix sex with God. You can never have sex with godliness. And this is not what I say, this is what people say. I think there is someone who is far more influential than me in this world and many, many, many, many people listen to her. And her name is Katty Perry. Those who are so spiritual you do not know who this lady is, she is Katty Perry. I think she was a some top entertainer award or something like that. So she's a popular singer. Many youngsters listen to her. And she said this, she said, "I think when you put sex and spirituality in the same bottle and shake it up, bad things happened."

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In other words, according to Katty Perry, sex and spirituality, sex and godliness don't mix. Like oil and water, you just can't have them together. So sex is something that is anti-godliness. Godliness cannot go into the realm of sex and vice versa. By the way, Katty Perry is a Pastor's daughter. I mean, I supposed she must have heard something about the Bible as she grew up. But she comes with such an idea and perspective towards sex that it is something unworthy to be linked and indeed impossible to be linked with godliness.

But you shouldn't be surprised because if you were to just look around Singapore, and think about the various major religions in our country. You realised that there are many religions that require their top echelon or spiritual people to be celibate. In other words, they don't believe that a truly holy and godly man can be married or should be married. They should remain single for their lives. Just...for sensitively reasons, I can't name the religions but you can jolly well know what religions there are, that their higher echelon have to be celibate. Because the idea is sex is not compatible with godliness. A holy man should be celibate and single. Even in the church, such thinking can creep in. You see, back in those days, Paul has already written to Timothy, now the spirit expressly, or clearly says that in latter time, some will depart from the faith, by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons. So what are these deceitful teachings and demonic teachings? What do they teach? They forbid marriage and require abstinence from food that God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth.

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So this idea that we should depart from sex, is not only to Katty Perry or to some major religions in the world today, but they can even creep in as demonic, deceitful teachings into the church of Jesus Christ. The Bible says these are not right! All these things, whether it's food or sex, they are to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. Maybe an even clearer text will be Hebrews 13 and verse 4. It says here: let marriage be held in honour among all. Marriage is a beautiful thing. God creates it by the way. Marriage is to be held in honour among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled. The marriage bed, in other words, sexual relationship in the context of marriage is something pure, is something beautiful. So keep it so, let it be undefiled! For God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous! So this is what God is saying: I am the one who invented sex. I give marriage. I placed Adam and Eve together and I said, two should become one flesh. Sex is not the world's idea, sex is my idea! But when you pervert the use of sex, and you allow it to be extra-marital and when it's immoral, adulterous, that's wrong and I will judge! So marital sex is beautiful, it's awesome, it's God-given but extra-marital sex is terrible! But of course, the world has largely lost that and assume because we see all the illicit, adulterous activities, we lump sex, even marital sex as something that is shameful, and maybe shouldn't be spoken of. But you see, before the fall, sex was already given. The fall merely perverted the use of sex. But we should not therefore think that sex is something that is just a natural appetite or something that is carnal, physical, dirty and incompatible with godliness. But that we should celebrate it as a gift, as a wonderful blessing from God. So that is sex. It's a good thing! It's a great thing when it is in the context of marriage.

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Anything else whether it's pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, homosexuality, bestiality, pornography, all that are illicit and God will judge.

The next question I want to answer is: Why Sex? So, I understand sex is a gift, it's not a dirty thing necessarily, unless I take it out of God’s intended context. But why do I have sex? What's the purpose? What's God's idea? Three simple ideas or three simple principles or reasons. No: 1, I believe sex clearly is for procreation. I mean that's the way you and I came into this world isn't it? The Bible tells us be fruitful and multiply. So sex clearly is for the pro...one of the purposes for the offspring, for the generations, for procreation. A second reason is that sex is for pleasure and there's nothing wrong with that. In Songs of Solomon, by the way the entire book of Songs of Solomon is a highly descriptive book about marital sex and about intimate relationships. There is, of course there is more to it than that but it does contain lots of that kind of relationship between a man and a woman, a husband and a wife. And it speaks of pleasure, for your love is better than wine. In Proverbs chapter 5, it says, let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe, let her breasts fill you at all times with delight, be intoxicated always in her love. So sex is also for pleasure. And we all understand that.

There's a third reason that most people, however don't get it. And the third reason has multiple layers and that's why I'm going to focus on a little bit more in this next few minutes. Sex is not only for procreation, it's not only for pleasure but thirdly, sex is meant to be a portrayal.

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Again, this is a picture lesson. This is supposed to reflect something more than a physical pleasure alone. Sex is a portrayal. You say portrayal what? You say, show what? Well, number one: Sex in marriage, I want to be specific; this is not any sex, but only marital sex. Marital sex reflects intimacy. It's very simple. It reflects intimacy. We all understand, in sex you come as close physically as is humanly possible. And in sex, this physical proximity is a sign, is a representation of how you are bonded to your spouse, emotionally, and spiritually besides physically. See, this is what is intended when God says in Genesis 2:24: Therefore a man shall leave his mother and his father and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. The idea of one flesh is that two has become one. It's the closest, most profound of union ever possible. It’s of the deepest level of intimacy. So when a man and woman are married, they are supposed to be the closest union, humanly possible. And sex is a symbol, it’s a sign, it's a representation of that deep intimacy. But pastor, how do you know that becoming one flesh is referring to sex? Can't it just be that husband and wife are married and they are close together? Well, I think Scripture tells us becoming one flesh, includes sex. Includes sex, physical proximity. Why? 1 Corinthians 6 tells us, or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her. Now, this certainly is referring to sex, of course of the wrong kind, adulterous kind. But Paul is saying this is what it means: Two will become one flesh. So when we go back to Genesis 2:24, the two shall become one flesh, it is about marriage certainly. But it also includes sex which is part of marriage.

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So, sex is a sign, is a representation of the deep intimacy that a husband and wife shares. That physical intimacy point and represent that emotional, spiritual and total union between a husband and a wife. So, this is my point. Marital sex reflects intimacy. But it will be wrong if I were to stop here. It will be inappropriate if I were to just stop here because I think the Bible tells me more about this intimacy. Sex reminds me I am deeply united with my wife, with my husband. But there is something beyond just me and my spouse. There's something far grander, something far more glorious. And it is this: Marital sex reflects intimacy that we have with Christ. Wah...you serious ah...Pastor? You… you mean in sex you remember these things? Orh... you... we should think about these things? I say, "Yes!" You say, "Why?" Because the Bible say so. The Bible says when two shall become one flesh, like I've reasoned with you, this refers to the union of husband and wife. But this also includes sex, isn't it? Includes the act of it. And so God has designed marriage to reflect the Gospel's relationship between Christ and His church. And sex being part of this marriage which God has also designed, is also meant to portray that union between Christ and the church.

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So that two should become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I'm saying that this kind of intimacy is referring to Christ and His church. Marital sex reflects intimacy that we have with Christ. Yes, there is a human level that is represented, but there is a vertical level, there is a divine level, there is a gospel level. There's a cosmic thing that is taking place that we should realise when we are in marital sex.

Now I don't want to make sex complicated for you. Like everytime having sex... I've got to think of so many things, you know, it...it's not necessarily that way. But when you understand why God has created it to be so. Believe me; it gives you a different level of appreciation, when it comes to intimate relationships. It's the same thing when we understand how we eat or drink can matter for the glory of God. It changes the way we do simple, seemly mundane things of life. So, point of portrayal is that sex reflects that intimacy that we have with Christ. When you are with your spouse, be reminded of how beautiful and how united the two of you are. And then be reminded of how beautiful and how united you are with Jesus Christ. It's a total union. And if I wish I have all the time in the world but if you look at the verses in the Bible of how Christ's love is in me, and it's the same love between Christ and the Father, and it's the same love of how the Father loves me. We're so intimately united!

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And that is to be pictured in marital sex. But there's more. Marital sex doesn't just reflect the intimacy with Christ, it also reflects generosity. Marital sex reflects generosity. What do I mean by that? 1 Corinthians 7 says the husband should give to his wife conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband. I like the King James version. The King James version says, the husband should render to his wife due benevolence. The idea there is that the husband should give away kindness to his wife and likewise the wife should give away kindness to the husband, with regards to sex. The world's thinking of sex is this: I need sex, so you give it to me. That's how husbands they talk to their wives and how wives may talk to their husbands. I want sex now so you give it to me. So it's about getting sex for yourself. But in 1 Corinthians 7, it is the opposite. It's about giving yourself away, in sex. So, marital sex is not about me getting my way. But it's about me giving myself to serve my spouse. It's not me, myself and I. Not my needs but her needs and his needs. Gary Thomas wrote the book 'Secret Marriage' puts it well. He says: Simply sex is serving each other with our bodies. Think about this way. Sex is not about me getting my pleasure although sex is pleasurable but sex is about serving my spouse with my body. Thought of it that way? Or is it always a power play between you and your husband and you and your wife? I want sex! No, I don't want. Ay, long time never have eh. Ay, I don't want! And it's always a battle of wills. Has it ever occur to you it's not about what I want? It's about what my spouse needs. And that's generosity. It's giving, it's a... I've watched two movies with my son, Shawn the older one of course. The younger one has no clue about movies yet. I brought Shawn first; the first movie we went for is “Cloudy and Meatballs Part 2”. It's a terrible movie in my opinion; I slept 3 times in the movie. He says “Very nice, very nice!” I've absolutely no idea why? The 2nd movie I watched with him recently, guess what movie it is? (Response from congregation) Wow, so smart! Yes, it's frozen, alright? Frozen. And in Frozen, his favourite... he... first of all he tells me, “Daddy this show a bit girly, right?” Yes, it is, it's all about the girls but his favourite character in this movie is Olaf, the snow man. He loved it! Before he went to watch the movie, he keep… he kept telling me Olaf can pull his head up and down. And he love the snow man. And in the movie, snow man Olaf was he heard this question, what is love? I think one of the girls mentioned, asked what love is. You know I love to hear what people think about things like love and faith and so on and so forth. And Olaf, even though he had no brain, ok? Gave a brilliant answer. He said this literally: “True love is when you sacrifice, it's when you choose to put someone else's needs and sometimes desire above your own.” Apply Olaf's thinking to sex. The snow man can teach you something about sex.

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It's true. You see, love, loving your spouse is not an abstract idea out there. It's very concrete. And it is so concrete it can apply to your sexual life. It's not about demanding what I want, it's about seeing my spouses' needs above mine and meeting that need and expressing that generosity in a marriage relationship. But again if I were to stop here it would be inappropriate or inadequate, because marital sex is not just reflecting the generosity between the husband and wife, it should reflect the generosity that we receive from the Lord Jesus Christ. Do you realise that Jesus was absolutely and is still absolutely generous with us. He gave himself for us. He came not to be served, He came to serve. He came to give his life a ransom for many. He came to die like a seed, so that there will be fruit and there will be joy and there will be blessing. Our Lord Jesus Christ, who was rich, became poor, so that we who are poor might become rich. And this generosity of Christ toward us is seen in the healthy sexual marital relationship.

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When we give ourselves to our spouse. When I don’t feel like it, I mean I’m tired, I’m… blah…blah… blah… blah but you know it doesn’t matter. It’s about giving to my spouse and setting her needs, his needs, above mine. Beautiful, isn’t it? When you think about these things, mirrored in something the world despises, and maybe abuses. It’s a beautiful gift from God when we fully understand His intent. But one more thing, marital sex doesn’t just reflect intimacy and generosity, let me say the… thirdly, marital sex reflects ecstasy. The word ‘ecstasy” of course is very much abused, we think about the psychedelic drugs, you go crazy, that’s why we don’t like to use the word ‘ecstasy’. But I think it’s very appropriate in the realm of sex. It is something absolutely delightful, joyful, it’s totally engaging. Marital sex reflects all that. You see, the Bible says; let her breast fill you at all time with delight. Be intoxicated. I mean this is strong words. Sex in marriage is delightful. Make sure you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Because the world wants to tell you sex outside of marriage is better. Isn’t it? When you watch movies, isn’t it true that the world and Hollywood want to let you know that sex outside marriage is always better. Forbidden fruit taste best. James Bond is the cool guy and he can sleep with any girls. And every movie he has a few and he sleeps with all of them and he seems to have great sex. He seems to be the happiest man alive. But no, that’s Hollywood. But sex within the marriage is the best. You say why? Let me tell you something about James Bond. He may sleep with every women and he think, you think he’s having the best sex but let me tell you it’s never going to be close to marital sex. Because he doesn’t, he will never have the security, safety, generosity and true intimacy a married couple has. In fact, I think, James Bond every night and every morning he wakes up, he’s not sure whether he’ll be killed by the girl sleeping besides him. Anyway, some of them are his enemy anyway. He doesn’t have that security and it goes for every sexual relationship outside of a covenantal marital bonding. It is God’s design. That in the security, safety and commitment in a marriage relationship that sex will be at its best. So sex is to portray ecstasy, the joy, the intimacy, the generosity that nowhere else you could experience. But like I say, if I were to stop here between husband and wife, it would be inadequate. Because I believe marital sex reflects ecstasy that we enjoy with Christ. So I’m… I hope you understand. I’m constantly trying to bring us to the divine perspective and not just a mere human perspective. The divine perspective is this: The sex that I have in my marriage today is pointing me to a day of even greater ecstasy that is to come with Jesus Christ. Maybe Piper is more eloquent and I will share this with you: “Sexual intimacy and sexual climax get their final meaning from what they point to. They point to ecstasies that are unattainable and inconceivable in this life. Just as the heavens are telling the glory of God’s power and beauty, so sexual climax is telling the glory of the immeasurable delights that we will have with Christ in the age to come. There will be no marriage there. But what marriage meant will be there. And the pleasures of marriage, ten-to-the millionth power, will be there.” What is he saying? He’s saying that marriage or marital sex reflects the ecstasy that one day we will truly have with Christ forevermore. It’s a foretaste. It’s a little sign. It’s a little sampling of the great things and great delights that God has prepared for us. I share with you this quote. Now these next 4 slides are a little bit profound and if I lose you, I’m sorry, but for those who could follow, I hope you are blessed by it. There’s this little statement that goes like this: The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God. This is profound. But I think it’s true. The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God. Now, you say, “No lah! Ring the bell at the brothel is looking for sex!” Yah, you’re right! He’s looking for sex. Why? Because he’s looking for ecstasy, he’s looking for delights, he’s looking for joy. But he doesn’t know that this joy and delight and this ecstasy is really, only, ultimately fulfilled in Christ when we are united with God. So this young man whose hungering, longing for this joy, hungry and longing for this fulfilment in his life, he thought he would find it in sex, but he doesn’t know it can only be found in God. So he’s unconsciously looking for God. You today who are ringing a bell at your office, ringing a bell at the bank, ringing a bell in all kind of active…activities, let me say this: All of us, unconsciously should be looking for God. Because only in God will there be pleasures forevermore. Someone then says this: “I think a secularist has only one substitute left for God.” Secularist is someone who doesn’t believe in God, alright? He’s a secular person. “Only one experience in a desacralized world that still gives him something like the mystical, self-transcending thrill of ecstasy that God designed all souls to have forever, and to long for until they have it… that experience has to be sex. In fact, though they sound shocking, I think the addict, who is the sexual addict, is closer to the deepest truth than the mere moralist. He’s looking for the very best thing in some of the very worst places. His demand for a state in which he transcends morality is very wrong, but it’s also very right. For we are designed for something far beyond morality, something in which morality will be transformed. Mystical union with God and sex is a sign and appetiser of that.” Like I say, if you miss this and do not know what this is, it’s ok. This is a slide you remember alright? Marital sex reflects the ecstasy that we enjoy with Christ. You are made for this ecstasy. You will be hungry, you will be restless, and you will be searching until you know God. That’s why you are always troubled because you’re not going to be satisfied with money or power or sex. You can only be satisfied by God but marital sex foreshadows that. It’s a sign and appetiser of all that. So, sex, why sex? It’s for creation, pleasure, portrayal. Portray what you say? Portray great intimacy, portray wonderful generosity, and portray amazing ecstasy but all that supremely in Christ. ‘Chim’ (Dialect word meaning deep) ah, sex? The next time you participate in marital sex, I hope you’ll not see my face, but you’ll remember all these points, alright? Remember the Gospel truths.

Now, let me end by two questions. FAQs (Frequently asked questions) because I’ve given you the theology behind it but practically how does it work out. One question is for the singles here. The other question is for the married here. Let’s have a consideration for the singles. Hi Pastor, I’m dating someone. So you’re not married yet, you’re dating. And we really love each other. Yea… everybody say so why pastor is premarital sex unadvisable? Why? And why is it so especially when everyone around me is doing it anyway? Poly, NTU NUS, SMU. Everybody is doing this. I mean my classmates; virtually 70% have done it before. So why can’t I do it? And it’s between two consenting adults anyway. I mean we did not force each other, we are willing parties and best of us, and we hurt nobody. Nobody’s hurt, nobody has to know. So, pastor why is premarital sex unadvisable? First of all, let me thank you for asking because it’s er… it’s a great question to ask, it’s a very relevant question to ask. But let me sum up the first bang, I…I’m writing all the answers as it is. So that you see it as it is, besides my rambling on. First thing I’ll say is a sin is a sin. Even when everyone else does it, it’s s in. Even when everybody lies, it doesn’t make lying right. Even if both of you consent, it’s still wrong. I meant if both of you agree to murder, does it make a murder right? No, it doesn’t make it so. Or even when you assume nobody’s going to be hurt, this is still sin. And the reason is, Hebrews 13:4 tells us that it’s only in a marriage bond that sex is allowed. Everything else is adulterous. Exodus 20:14 is the 7th commandment, thou shall not commit adultery. And by the way, God is hurt. If you think nobody is hurt, the Bible tells us that our sins will grieve our God. But I know young people do not like to just be told, it’s a sin and that’s it. I hope in your spiritual growth, you will grow to such a state where you say, even if I don’t fully understand I will say a sin is a sin and I will avoid it. But maybe you need a little bit of explanation and help and that’s what I hope to do. Let me try to do this. Let me say more about no one will be hurt. Pastor, I want to be in premarital sex because nobody’s going to be hurt but let me say a little bit here. It sure sound a lot like you shall not surely die. Right? I can do this because I’m not going to be hurt and it’s like the devil saying, eat this fruit, you shall not surely die, its fine. But you will die, in premarital sex. Spiritually and in many other ways. Because the Bible does tell us sin brings death. The wages of sin is death. The Bible does tell us you will reap what you sow. The Bible does tell us your sin will find you out. So that idea nobody will be hurt is a lie. And the first person that’ll be hurt let me say it’s you. So let’s think this through carefully, together with you. Because I think there are a lot of young people here. I am not surprised if you are already or are contemplating premarital sex. So I want to be helpful, not condemning. So let’s think this through, together with me, alright? In sex, you feel absolutely connected and interwoven; you feel deep and emotional connections. That’s… that’s just part of it. That’s the natural outcome of it. But because you do not have a covenantal bond, you’re not in a safe, committed bond and relationship; there isn’t a real commitment to each other. Basically, after you have a one night stand, you’re not even sure the guy will call you tomorrow morning. I mean he may just walk off. Just dump you like that! And so knowing that this is a very real and distinct possibility, you have feelings of fear, of insecurity, of mistrust, jealously and suspicion. In fact, if you face betrayal, you will have guilt and shame added to that. And in order to protect your poor heart from being broken and hurt and wounded and…and feeling dirty about yourself, you begin to harden your heart, you begin to harden yourself against such feelings and that doesn’t allow you to give of yourself the next time. So what happen is that you feel filthy, you feel dirty, regretful, you lose trust, and you can never fully commit yourself to your next partner. And I want to illustrate this with stickers. I don’t have stickers but I think you can imagine that. Supposed I have two stickers, and I put the two stickers and stick them together. Well they stick very hard, they still very tight together, so right after that, I say let’s tear it apart. What happens? If it really bonds well, like as in sex, really interwoven, if I were to tear these two pieces of stickers, what happens is that, I will rip it right down the middle. Some bits and pieces will be torn to the other side and some on this side to here. And it becomes mangled and torn and shredded. And then after that, you take this torn, shredded piece of sticker and you stick it again to another person, another sticker, and you tear it again. You stick it… stick it again and you tear it again. You do it over and over and over again, and that’s a picture of your heart. Whenever you engaged in premarital sex without that commitment and bond, you ruin yourself without even knowing it. That’s why people who have failed in marriage… in relationships, especially when they have gone to a stage of sexual relationship, they become harden, they become disillusion. They could never commit themselves fully to a real, authentic relationship because this has happen to them. Stickers that has just been shredded and torn, shredded and torn. Therefore, God doesn’t want us to be in such situations. You know sometimes we think God is bigoted, why he so strict? Why he so abstinent? Why he can’t let me have fun before marriage, you know why? He loves you. He wants you to have the best sex and that can only be in a marital, covenantal relationship. And this is where you can experience that security, that oneness and intimacy, that generosity and all the full purposes that God has design marriage for, in your life.

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So, I’m saying that you say “No” to premarital sex because you want to say “Yes” to God’s full blessings in His gift of sex for you. Therefore, say “Yes” to the full splendour and beauty found in this gift. Say “Yes” to something far more precious and say “Yes” to loving, loving plans for you. Is this easy? No, no, not at all! This is a sex craze world with a very different value system as what the Bible is saying. It’s just difficult and it’s absolutely all over. But we need to value Christ. The only hope I think, really, is not to give you technics and tactics. The only hope is when we as a church treasure Christ and find our satisfaction in Him. Otherwise it’s so easy to substitute sex as an idol for Christ. And er… my advice is if you are single, you are going through this, it is… it is advisable for you to be with like-minded singles who reminds one another of the gospel and encourage each other in the pathway of purity. Because you want God’s best plan for your life. And most of all, come back next Sunday, because next Sunday we’re going to deal with singles, alright? We’ll cover more of this next week.
Ok, let me shift gears to the second group of people I want to speak to and that is the married. How many of you here are married? Can I see by a show of hands? Ok, those who don’t raise hands, I’ve spoken to you. Those who have raised your hands, this is the question for you. Now what is the question you want to ask me? Ok, don’t ask, I’ve asked already. Its here: Pastor, I’m married. OK, so that’s one. My problem is that my wife and I have very different sex drive. What should we do? You drive two cars of course, but um… no in sexual relationship, what should I do or what should we do, if my wife and I have very different sex drive? This is common. Very rare is it absolutely same for everyday. So what do we do about this? Well, let me say we need to go to the Bible.

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And pardon me if I read a long passage, it’s not that long, just four verses or so, but this is where we need to get the answers from: 1 Corinthians 7 again says, but because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. This is one of the many reasons why a man or woman should be married. It’s not the only reason but it’s a valid reason. The husband when married should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement and that is only for a limited time, and that is for the purpose that you may devote yourself to prayer; but then come back together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. So, what is this passage saying? Let me say, give you some simple principles from this passage. No: 1, satisfying sexual relations in marriage is important. It’s important. You say “Why?” Well, No: 1 that’s why you got married, one of the reasons you got married. That’s what God says. Get your own wife, get your own husband. Number two, in verse 5, He says even when you devote yourself to prayer, don’t do it endlessly, come back after you have devoted yourself to prayer so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. So a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage is vital. Realized I used the word “satisfying”, I’m not sure what it means to be satisfying for different couples. How enough is enough? How frequent is frequent enough? But that is for you to sort it out yourself between you and your spouse. But the principle that both husband and wife got to realise is: a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage is important. No: 2, it’s a short statement but very important one and it is this: Your body is for your spouse. You got to get this! Because we always think my body is for my own pleasure. No, according to 1 Corinthians 7, the paradigm shift you need to have is what, my body is for my spouse. Remember, Gary Thomas, quote? He says, sex is serving each other with our bodies. And remember the snowman’s advice, alright? He says prefer or choose to put someone else’s need and desires above your own. So your body is for your spouse. It’s not about me demanding what I want. It’s about me giving my body to my spouse in a safe and committed marital relationship. No: 3, as far as possible, do not deny your spouse. Now, I use the word “as far as possible” because we all understand maybe after road traffic accident, you are not up to this. Or maybe you are really sick; or maybe you just delivered a baby! Goodness, how are you going to do this? So, as far as possible, that’s with a caveat, but if you can, as far as you can, do not deny your spouse. Again, it’s literally taken from verse 5, do not deprive one another because your body is for your spouse. Now everybody can understand this. We should not deny. But the problem is when we come to the person requiring the sex, we can then demand. Eh, you see! Pastor said ah! I mean, frankly some of you may just go back home tonight, or the next few nights, you say, you know, you remember pastor say, hah, you cannot denial hah. And…and like a “Mien Si Jin Pia” (Mandarin word meaning royal pardon) or whatever. The contrary is also true. Likewise, we are not to demand. You say, Pastor, where did you get this from? It’s the same spirit and principle where it says, my body is for my spouse. So yes, there are times when I may need sex, in a sense or desire it. But it is not just about fulfilling my need that is the most important. I also consider my spouse who may not really want to do it and so I may have that willingness to say: OK, I’m not going to demand it because I’m considerate for you. So, we should not, whack each other with ‘because the Bible says so’. Eh… I want sex! I take my Bible out. 1 Corinthians 7 all the time. No other verses in your Bible, alright, just 1 Corinthians 7 and there’s no such thing as love your neighbour, love your wife, just I demand. That would be totally inappropriate because in love we are to serve, and not force or insist upon our own pleasure. You say, Pastor, how ah, like that? I cannot denial, I cannot demand, and then I do what? It’s like there’s nothing I can do. Let me tell you what the thing you should do is. You should be delighting your spouse. How should I think? How should I function? You see, when you demand or when you deny, you are thinking about yourself. Right? You’re thinking about yourself. But the right way to live healthy sexual life that glorify God, you glorify God, alright? Like I say this, you glorify God when you delight your spouse. Amazing, eating can glorify God, drinking can glorify God, let me say this, Sex can glorify God when you delight your spouse. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband. That is being biblical. That’s being godly, that’s being loving. So, no denial, no demanding but delighting your spouse. So instead of saying Oh no, not today, I’ve a headache, I don’t feel like it, blah…blah…blah. Just all fake one lah! OK? Ah…recognise you have a sexual stewardship, not for yourself but for him or for her. Do you know that God give you your body so that you can use it to serve your husband or your wife? There’s sexual stewardship and all of us who are married are entrusted with that.
So, let me end off with some practical stuff. No: 1, don’t live apart for long period of time. This is highly dangerous. You know, in today’s setting, in today’s world, it is not strange for people to live apart. I mean, you almost feel like, even if it’s apart, it’s not so far apart, just a few hours flight and so on and so forth. But the key thing is, don’t live apart for long period of time. Pastor, how long is long ah? This one, you and your wife got to decide. I don’t… I can’t define for you. But the principle is that when you live apart for long period of time, you absolutely fall into what 1 Corinthians 7 is warning you of. The devil will tempt you because of a lack of self-control. So, this may affect the way you take up your jobs. I mean, if you are serious about your relationship and your marriage, it does determine the way you live your life. What jobs you take up; what postings you have; what responsibilities you’re going to possess. Are you going to travel so much that you’re only home like one week in a whole year? Are you going to be apart from your wife for months on end? How are you going to survive? In that regard and live purely within God’s will. Sure, if there are extreme situation you’re called, still to do so. But if you have a choice, would you willingly submit yourself to such unnecessary temptation? Now, I’m saying this not only for those who are working. I think this is also true for missions. I think, when missionary says I give my life for Jesus, I’m going to go to a far-away land. I’m going to leave my wife here and my kids here and I’m going to be there for 10 years. Ok, let’s not exaggerate. 10 months or even if I say 10 weeks. I’m going to come back every 10 weeks. See my wife for 5 days and then be gone for another 10 weeks. Is that the way you should do missions? Do you consider this clear and present danger that could absolutely ruin your life and your family? I think this is the practical stuff. No hard and fast rule. Pastor, how long is long? Like I’ve said, it’s a principle I bear in mind. And I hope in my own life, I’ll be wise enough to be practising this for myself. And I hope you will too. It’s practical.



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No: 2, don’t use sex as a bribe or punishment. You know what, I’ve read 80… what…what do you mean by using sex as a bribe or punishment? Very simple, you want to have sex, ok, go clean the toilet first. (Laughter from congregation.) Wah…liao… wei…eh… you don’t laugh at it, alright? I read statistics that 84% of women will not hesitate to use sex as a means to get the husband to do household chores. 84%! Maybe some obvious ways, maybe some subtle ways but you know it, alright? You want sex? Ok, do this, do this, go inside, condition’s the law, Worse still you use sex as a punishment. OK, you say that to me ah, tonight you sleep outside. (Laughter from congregation) “Qu Zuo Ting Zhang” (Mandarin word meaning be the living room director) don’t come back in. And… and… and that totally goes against the spirit of what sex is… it’s a self-giving to serve your spouse. It’s not a means to have power play. It’s not a means for you to twist someone around your finger. So don’t use sex as a bribe or punishment.

Thirdly, have frequent and reciprocal marital sex. Again, this is to fit into the principle of having satisfying sexual relations in marriage. And number four, this requires constant work. Because your spouse changes, you change. Your spouse, spouse change, your family structure change, circumstances change and they do not remain stagnant. So, even in a sexual relationship, you’ve got to constantly learn about your spouse to meet his or her needs and this requires constant work.

Now for guys, for the guys out there: Just a few words. Understanding context is very important for ladies. What I meant by that is this: To put this blunt and straight forward, for guys to have sex, you don’t need much context. You don’t need a romantic night out, go watch movies, go to mountain, come down, have romantic poems, you don’t need that. I mean you can pretty much do it anytime, anywhere. That’s guys. Context is not as vital. But for the ladies, it’s a totally different story altogether. Context is absolutely vital. So it’s not just about the moment. It’s the whole package throughout the day. So if you want to serve your spouse, your wife. You’ve got to work very hard. Because it’s not just the moment, it’s the entire day. It is said that, sex for the lady begin in the kitchen. What is means by that is that it begins by you doing the dishes for the wife. You do the whole day of housework…now, that’s not bribing ah… because she didn’t ask you to do it, but you… you voluntarily do it because you want to serve your wife and that’s what women look for. Am I right? Ok, don’t answer me. You’re… I think so ah… if I am not wrong, alright? So, because for the ladies, it’s not just about the act, it’s about the emotional connection. Therefore, context is absolutely important. So this is a little tip for the guys, we take a whole life to learn this.

But this is it, sex in marriage. Far from being just a natural appetite, far from being something dirty and shameful and … something that fills us with guilt, it’s actually a beautiful, awesome gift from God. It’s a gift from God that we may have children, that we may have pleasure and that in it, we experience the intimacy, the generosity and ecstasy between a man and a woman and from there, understanding the deep intimacy, generosity and ecstasy that we have in Christ. And let me say this: Sex is designed for marriage. It’s in the context of marriage that you have the best sex. You will have the most fulfilling of sexual relationship. That’s where you experience real commitment and generosity and the giving of yourself. And God has also given you sex to maintain, to sustain and to deepen your relationship in your marriage. It’s a means by which you give of yourself to your husband and to your wife and God wants it for you, so that your relationship is filled with love, it’s always with that oil that lubricates everything together. So this is God’s divine purpose. May truth set us free and may we live pure, glorious, gospel centered life even in the marriage bed for the glory of God. Let’s bow for a word of prayer together.