We continue on the series on marriage. Pastor Jason has laid down some very solid biblical principles on which give us a good foundation to build our marriages. Now having a foundation, having sold principles is not enough, the building now is up to u. what you build on this foundation.
So today I hope to share 5 thoughts which I hope will be useful. Alright 5 useful thoughts that will help our marriages. At the end of each thought, I will have a little diagnostic test for us to test how we are doing in each of these areas.

The first one is woman’s lib(eration). How does it impact our homes? Now we are all born in a culture, we imbibe a culture, we are not in a vacuum so everything around us impacts us. Now the woman’s lib culture is a movement that came out in the 60s. The 60s was a very special special era. If you look at the 60s, it is almost like a turning point in human history. Some people call it the decade of counter culture, when people began to question “why do we do things this way? Why do(n‘t) we just do things the way we want to do it. So we had for example, the hippie movement where people said why we want to live in normal families, where we want to shave our beards, why you want to bather, what we want to change our clothes, why don't we just do what we want to do? If I don't feel like changing I don't change, if I want to sleep on the streets I sleep on the streets. If I want to take drugs I take drugs. If I want to go high on it I go high. Who cares about what it does to my family, my society, blah blah blah. It’s about me! Alright. So the 60s is very monumental in this kind of areas. The free sex movement came out that time. Music took a whole new turn, for example, in the past music had certain rules, for example you had melody, harmony, rhythm. All that you mix together call music. But in the 60s they said, who cares about all that. You know, let’s just have plenty of rhythm plenty of …. And forget about the rest, and today after years, we have the rap. It’s called music but I don't know where the music is. And that is called music! Where is the melody? Where is the harmony? But it’s just all rhythm and so music because all of that can be somewhat traced back to the time. So the 60s was the time where we have this “I” movement. If I like it this way, let it be! Who cares! So it is really something that is not a surprise in the last days, man would basically be lovers of themselves. You say what’s new, we have always been lovers of ourselves. That is absolutely true, but in the last days, everything is intensified. You know, everything that man has always been doing, suddenly like in a graph, it starts to shoot up, so man became lovers of themselves. And the woman’s lip movement grew up in that generation. Don't get me wrong, I am not against a lot of the wonderful thing the woman’s liberation has done, alright, for example, equal opportunity to vote, equal education, equal pay for equal work, equal say. All these are wonderful things you know. It rectified a lot of the problems that man had put on women for generations, for centuries, man are stronger, they can bully and that’s normal, when you are stronger, you bully, and so over the generations, women became trampled and became almost in some societies even lower than animals. So in a very real sense, the woman’s lib movement got that back, but like every revolution ,when you try to right a wrong, you often swing into the other side. If men are too much, then the way to settle that is we be too much. You know and it’s very normal, we think that to right a wrong, we do another wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right. The only right is the biblical norm, the one in the middle.

0:04:12

But nonetheless, 2 things have come out of the woman’s lib movement that affect the women here. You see, the woman’s lib movement basically affects the educated, the westernized people, the so-called modern society, it’s us, that’s our demographics. 2 areas it has affected our homes. Number 1, it has affected headship, in other words, equal say, so for many in the homes today, 2 heads, 2 heads. Both have equal say, so everyday it’s like a debate. It’s like parliament. Everything is thrown as a motion to be debated and who usually shouts the loudest or is firmer will win. So it’s a lot of struggle in the homes. Now in Christian homes that is not usually a problem because we keep hammering into them, the man is the head, the man is the head, the man. So most women in our type of church will say, surrender lah, ok. If I don't, cannot. Everything Pastor Jason will come up, the man is the head, the man, so willingly or unwillingly, many of our women have accepted that the man is the head. But one area that is not settled yet, that is the area of how women speak to their husbands. Alright and I want to just bring it up, because a lot of times, we are not even aware of this, you see Pastor Jason has shared with us that women are very good controllers. That is very important because the role of the woman is primarily to take care of that little baby, that little toddler, and a toddler is chaotic. He does not know left from right, and if you don't control that little fellow, he will go haywire. So a mother is an extremely gifted by God as a controller. And her job also is a corrector. Because a kid keeps doing wrong things, keep correcting, keep correcting, keep correcting. And if necessary, scold him. So you don't need to teach a woman these skills, alright, or controlling, correcting, and rebuking. Now for generations, no problem. It was directed at the kid, and that was what it was meant to be, so mums did a great job, but when woman’s lib came up, women, in a sense, were liberated to say what they want to their husbands, and now we have a situation where it is very common for the mother, skilled in talking to her kid, to use that same lingo on her husband. Very common, you see a man is going out of the house, and this is what the wife say, wah you serious or not? You want to dress like that huh? Are you ok? You know, he’s probably wearing his, it’s almost like she’s talking to the little kid and wearing the wrong sandal to go out, you know the left sandal on the right foot. You ok or not? That’s how they talk to their husbands, and then at the hawker centre, it’s quite common for them, wah you eat this ah? You want to die or what? Wah this is cholesterol you know! It’s like telling your kid, don't put the electric socket in your mouth ah. You will die ah. So things like that become transferred from the child, now that I am liberated. I can speak what I want to speak. I mean, that tends to be the way women speak to men. Alright I hear it all the time, even among Christians, and I know women do it unknowingly. In fact they do it naturally. It’s part of their DNA to talk to their kids, alright, it’s something that if directed in the right direction, excellent. Directed upwards to the head of the family, the one God appointed head of this family, that is not right.

0:07:52

Now what does that breed in a typical home? That breeds offence. See I think this series, pastor Jason mentioned, what does the man want in the house? He wants respect. Why? Is he egomaniac, is he got a problem that he wants respect? No, because God made him the head of the home! So God planted that DNA in him as the head, you must have some respect, otherwise nothing works! There is no authority if you don't have respect! It’s only a title, so the man expects respect because that is his job, to head the home. And he doesn’t get respect at home. He gets to be talked to like a little kid, as if he was like a 2 year old who is stupid, and he could be the managing director of a bank, like, you ok or not? You dress like that ah? You know? And so what happens is, that is men are offended, and the bible says when a man is offended, he is harder to be won than a strong city. He is unyielding, he is stubborn. Ok, and then we have this huge problem in the homes, ok. So my diagnostic test for all of you, whenever you talk to your husbands, ask yourselves this one question: Is this how you will talk to your superior in the office? I mean, of course, if you are in the office, you also have to give your comments to your superior, let’s say your superior is going for an important board meeting, he wears a mickey mouse tie, alright, what do you say? Just keep quiet? Of course you will say, Sir, or Mr. Tan, I think that tie is not so appropriate today, you know? Oh ya, I didn’t realize I got my mickey mouse tie. But you don't say, wah you joking ah? Are you ok or not? You know? I am sure, alright, the statement, the fact is the same, but how you say it, and most offence do not come when people are told their wrongs, it’s people are told their wrongs in a way that is offensive, alright. So I hope that in our homes, alright, I know that these are natural, these are instinctive, to want to control things, to want to correct, to want to rebuke, but direct it to the kids, alright, and then you will have a harmonious home. So test yourself, every time you say something, ask yourself, oh my goodness, I said that? Is that what I would have said, if that was not just the head of my house, but the head of my office, or my department? Would I have said, you want to die ah? Alright, or I say, I think Mr. Tan, I think we should be more careful what we order for catering, something like that, and I believe that this would be useful, so be careful, there is impact on all of us.

0:10:35

Second thing, our traditions, now looking at the crowd here, I would say the majority of us here are Chinese, so I would say I am going to generalize our Confucianist traditions. What is our Confucianist traditions? Whether you like it or you don’t like it, we are Chinese, we have thousands of years of history, it’s in our DNA. We are not born in a vacuum. This is us, whether more or less, this is us. What is the Chinese Confucianist understanding of marriage? What is the purpose? Pleasure? Partnership? For thrill of Christ? I don’t think so. Basically, produce babies. Good babies, preferably males. And then your job as mother, now you produce good line, good blood line, make sure a good blood line produces good children. What is the meaning of good children in our culture? What’s our culture, good children? Love God? What is it? Do well in exams! Alright, in the old days, imperial exams. Now we call imperial exams PSLE, alright. Or O-Level, or A-Level, or IB whatever. Different grades of imperial exams. And as long as the child, the mother’s job now, you produce a good blood line, be sure you get the maximum out of this blood line that you have produced. So that’s the mother’s job, a lot of pressure on the poor mum. Everybody expects her, because if fail, it’s her fault! She didn’t do her job! What is the husband’s job in a typical Confucianist family? Supporting role only. Earn money so got house, so quiet can study, so got tutor, can pay for tutorial. His job is purely supporting, and get out of the way. If he tries to get meddle, it’s like, you don't understand the kid. What’s wrong with you? Why you have to say this kind of thing, you know? So his job is be a supporter.

0:12:36

Now this is quite kind of strange to us as Christians, who believe that the purpose of a wife is to support the husband. Alright, the purpose of a wife is to be a helper for the husband. But in our home, the husband is a helper for the wife, she is the main staff. She has to produce the racehorse that wins the race, and if he don’t, shame on the family. He must bring honour to the family, come on accept this this is what we are, whether we express it this way, whether we articulate it, whether we understand it. This is all in our DNA. And so the poor wife is under a huge amount of pressure, the husband is an observer, at best a detached observer. Doesn’t get in the way, he is a good fella. He pays for all the bills, all the tutors, he never questions it. Alright, anything to help the kid win the race, he does his job. And so we have in a home something quite contrary to the Christian home, which is the husband is the main person, alright, to bring up the kids. See a Christian home is, it’s not mummy brings up the kid, the pressure is on mummy. I already provided what. I am a good provider you know? Hey, I give you everything you want, nice house, I never get in the way. Whatever the kid wants, I give. Wow, what an amazing father you are. I am sorry, you are a failure! You are a huge failure because It says, fathers, fathers, you are primarily responsible to bring up your kids.

0:14:21

Wow, where does the mother fit in? Alright, here we have, stealing from Pastor Jason, teamwork makes the dream work! Hey teamwork always makes things easier. Always! Having to do something alone is a lot of pressure. Struggling alone is a lot of pressure, and God never meant us to be lone rangers in life, let alone in your house! And so the husband and wife supposed to do teamwork. Work together! Ultimately the pressure is not on the wives. The pressure is on you guys! If the kid succeeds, and when I say succeed, I don't limit it to an imperial exam. Not to pass an exam but to pass in life! Not just to earn a living, but to learn to live! Can we do that for our kids? Is that what our goal is? As a team, me and you. Hey don’t blame our wives! Because we expect it of them, society expects it of them, and you as a husband, as a leader, are you going to say, hey this is teamwork. We are going to make it work. The pressure is on us. We will pray together, we will discuss together, we will think together. It is very hard to do things alone. God never meant us, our brain to think alone. It is always as we sit down, we discuss things, we bounce things off, we call it think tanks, call it whatever you want to call it. Things come together, better ideas come out, better support come out, better emotional, mental, blah blah blah, comes in, and teamwork makes the dream work.

0:16:10

How many organisations, how many inventions, how many iPads, whatever, were made by one guy sitting in his garage? Never! And yet, we throw the wives in, we sit back, relaxed, detached father and we say, “I did everything you know, I gave everything you know”. Really? Really? Nonsense! So alright today I say, all of you, beginning especially with the men, you want to bring up a Confucian home, I am sure there are lectures on bringing up a Confucian home, but I am not ashamed of being a Chinese as my first birth, but more than that, I want to be first and foremost, a Christian. In any area where my culture clashes with the Bible culture, I want the Bible culture to be my final authority and my guide. And so I hope today, we will bring up homes that will glorify God. Diagnostic test: As a couple, how do you measure your success? How many A’s your kid got? What school he went? What faculty he went to? Is that how you measure your success? Or do you put a report card on yourself? How is my relationship with my wife? I hope you score A there, because that is where it matters, in the eyes of God. That is where it matters. And as a society, it doesn't matter a hoot in the eyes of God, it measures, it means everything. When the team is strong, the team transmits right values, and you know I tell you, you will pass on a legacy to your children. It’s the team, folks. So our traditions have affected many of us. We have homes that are two separate issues, one taking care of the kids, don’t disturb me. One doing my business, don't disturb me. And by the way, we live in the same house, and we own the same racehorse. That is our commonality. What a shaky foundation for a happy marriage. In the eyes of God, how do you score, how do you rate your report card of your home? That is very important. Because how you rate it will decide how you run it. What is your KPI? What is your bottom-line? It will decide how you plan your life after that.

0:18:52

Alright, number 3, communication. So I want you to test yourself, ask yourself frank questions. Do I score A, B, C on that one? And so, wife, when I talk to my husband, how do I score A, B, C, D, F? In my time it was X, 19 and below. Now question, number 3, communication. How did you build your relationships in your marriage? When you first knew a girl, what do you do? Go for a date right? What do you do on a date? Go eat ice cream, my time it’s very innocent, we eat ice cream. Mine was banana float, and my wife was lime freeze. Alright, $1.70 whatever, you sit down and you can talk for 3 hours. Then what do you talk about? Anything lah. You know me, I know you, we talk, talk, talk, talk, 3 hours, then got to go home, curfew, 11 o’clock. Go home and then start on the phone, and then 2 hours. What do you talk about? Don't know lah! Everything lah. How do you build relationships? Just you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, alright? Now we become Christians, we trusted Jesus as our Saviour, He died for our sins, we received him as our Saviour. How do you build your relationship with God? QT! Everybody knows QT right? Quiet time. Our church is very spiritual. Do you have QT? Do you have QT with God? Yes Pastor. Every morning QT. What do you do with God? Me and God time. Very good. What do you do? I talk to God in prayer. Very good. Then God talk to me in his Word. Very good. Wah very spiritual! Let me ask you a question, you got QT with your wife? How come you so spiritual, you got QT with this one far far away? The one sleeping next to you on the bed you got no QT? Are we so spiritual? Wow, I go BSF, I go this, I go that. Let me ask you a simple question. What about this guy next to you? How about this wife next to you? Do you have quiet time? How do you have a relationship without communication? How? Over time, relationship gets weak, suspicions come in, misunderstandings come in, less communication more misunderstanding, normal! Very soon, 2 strangers in the same house. Is there any other way to strengthen a relationship? Can you tell me? Vitamin A, vitamin C, vitamin what? There is no other way! It's by communication, folks! There is no shortcut, I wish there was! I wish there is a communication boost I can go and buy every week. There isn’t! if you are not willing to spend QT with the one who is your partner in life, then don’t expect a healthy relationship. It will fray, and it will finally decay and it will collapse. Believe me! Whether it is your communication with God, your relationship with God, or with your spouse! If you don’t have QT, quiet time, you are in trouble. It’s just a matter of time. We tell you in spiritual things, please you must have your quiet time with God, otherwise your relationship with God… very soon, you will be a backslider. What about your wife? How come we are so spiritual that we think about, ah me and God. Question today, how is your relationship? How is your communication with your wife? How is it?

0:22:37

For me, I am the type A guy you know? I like to move around, I like to do things. And I used to think before, ah… sit down, you talk to your wife, got nothing really much to talk about right? No agenda today right? That’s called waste time right? So I used to try to bypass this unprofitable exercise of conversation. Today, after many years of learning the hard way, I have come to realize even for type A like me, this is the most profitable time. If I am in town, I make 2 times a day to talk to my wife. Half an hour before dinner, we live in a little condo, we go down, half an hour, I try to make the time. You see, people say I have no time, I have no time. You have no time? Who has time? You have to make time! A lot of people have no time for QT with God. They say “I’m busy”. Who isn’t busy? But you make time for QT with God, you make time for QT with your family? Half an hour before dinner, we go down, we take a little walk, I am “pai ka” (hokkien for injured leg), I cannot walk much but we walk a little bit, and then we sit down and then we talk. You say “talk what”? I don’t know. Anything! Talk about the dog that is walking by, the bird that just flew overhead… anything! Just talk! I get to understand how does she like birds, she doesn't like birds, she likes dogs, don't like dogs. I get to understand a lot of things, that little kid that waddles by. Whatever, we talk! Then at night, usually we check in about 11 o’clock at night, do our own stuff, 11 o’clock in bed, we lie down and we talk. Again what? Anything! Usually I say by 11 o’clock, food channel starts, cause you get hungry at that time. And somehow the conversation veers to food. Alright, about the popiah here very good, I heard that this is good, and we just talk. After half an hour of chatting in bed, we just go and pray and we go to bed. Now to me, as a type A personality, you ask me, what did you achieve? I say “I don’t know, but I had quiet time with my wife”. When you do your quiet time with God with your Bible, I ask you every time, what did you achieve? What did you achieve? He say I just spend time with God. And you know something? If you spend time with God, you get to know God. You get to know. You spend time with your wife, you get to know her. She gets to know you. She knows your feelings, your struggles, your blah blah blah. And you know what? It builds relationships!

0:25:14

So today I ask you a question. How is your QT? I am very busy, Pastor. Well, if you are a busy person, don’t forget to spend QT with God. Very necessary. The more busy you are, the more quiet time you need with God, right? To build that relationship with God. Some people say, I am so busy that I have to spend 2 hours with God before I go out. I like that thought, because you know you cannot face the busyness of life with a shaky life yourself. In the same way, when you are busy, spend time with your wife. If your home base is weak, all your launching out to others will be weak. Let me just say something about conversation alright? Communication, it’s mostly a listening skill. Some people say, I am not a very good communicator, I don't know how to talk. I say, you will be a good communicator, because communication is mostly about listening. The worst communicator is a guy who thinks he is a good talker. You have anything to say, he’s got answer already. Before you finish, he give you answer already. If you give him a chance, he would give you a lecture. You give chance, he gives you another lecture on the same topic in a new way. And he thinks that is good communication. That is the best way to kill communication! Imagine if you pray to God this way. “God give me wisdom”, Pom! Wisdom came. "God, show me what to do." Pom! "Go to Africa today!" Wow, would you dare pray? I would not dare pray, honestly. I will say, I better don't talk to God otherwise I die. "Please God, if God ask me “how are you?” okay God, I'm alright." You know God never replies us immediately. Have you ever thought about it? He just listens. You can pray for one hour, and nothing happens!

0:27:05

God's just listening. And at the right time, a year later maybe, ten years later maybe, God shows you the answer. That's why we love to talk to God 'cause He gives us the answers at the right time. But you know, you talk to some people, they are the know-alls, before you finish they got answer already and then after a while they wonder, “why nobody talks to me”. You know I was thinking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you should do this, okay, and then, lecture starts. How many of you like lectures? Repeated lectures? I don't think anybody likes it. You know, my friend, when God speaks to us in the Bible we just listen, think about it, and respond in due time. And when we talk to God, God listens. Communication is largely a listening skill.

And if you're a good listener, you will find you'll be a great communicator! Everybody like to talk to you. Because very few people have the skill of really listening. Why do I talk to God so much? Because I know he really listens to me. That's why, okay? So I hope that we will develop this test- diagnostic test. Can you join a holiday as a couple? Pastor, my idea of holiday is better half camp, wake up in the morning, all the guys go, eh, eh, eh, eh! All the women go for their walk, and that after that we all do this, we do that, we do this, we do that, at night we go home, huh, my wife is tired and tired we sleep, we don't need to talk. You know, many people's idea of holiday is like that.


Then you tell them, "Why don’t you and your wife just go to Batam for one week?" Huh, what are you going to do there? You want me to talk to my wife breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee time, I die lah, right? I don't mind going there if I can play golf the whole morning, then she go shopping, then at lunch, we come, one whole gang there, we talk, talk, talk, by the way, you ask your wife “How’s today?” You know. Uh, uh, that's okay for most people, that's their holiday! Acid test, next week, Batam free holiday from GLCC, all of you. The most important thing that you can do there is buy J.Co Donuts. And the rest of the time, you and your wife sit down and chat. Any takers? Alright, that is a test! Not when you have a crowd around you, people around you, endless activities, and then by the way, your wife is there!

0:30:03

No communication means your relationship is on the way to destruction! Listen carefully! Whether it's to God upwards or to your spouse sideways, it's on the way to destruction! And don't deny it, it's reality. There is no shortcut for building, strengthening a relationship, except plain, simple communication. Move on. Well, communication is about me talking to you in a language you understand. It fills your brain, you know my thoughts, I know your thoughts, but there is another language that we need to learn. It's called love languages. I never knew about this. I had no idea. Wasn’t in the Bible. I used to spend all my time just reading the Bible. One day, I came across a book called Love Languages or Five Love Languages. I read it and say, "Hey, this makes a lot of sense!"


And so I taught it at one of the church seminars many, many years ago and immediately one guy came to me and say, "Pastor, why do you teach this? It's not in the Bible." So it took me back for a while and I realized, "Hey, there are a lot of good things that are not in the Bible- I teach Mathematics, I teach my children what to eat, about cholesterol and not to eat too much salt, and all that. It's not in the Bible." And so I realized that a lot of times we never learn anything because we forget God wants us not just to know the Bible but whatsoever things, repeat, whatever things, repeat, whatever things are true. Learn it! It doesn't matter whether it’s two plus two is four. That's true! That's very good! But that's not in the Bible. There's no arithmetic in the Bible. It does not mean we don't learn arithmetic. There are some religions that believe, it's not in the Holy Book, don't learn it. And they're stuck in the middle ages.


But for us, whatever things are true, THINK about these things. So I want you to think a little and about these things. Now just remember a very important principle, everything in the Bible is true, but not everything that is true is in the Bible. Are you with me? Obviously, every truth cannot be in the Bible- every truth about physics, chemistry, every truth about arithmetic, antibiotics cannot be in the Bible. It doesn't mean they are useless for us. But whatever is written in the Bible is fully true. Alright, so let me move on. There are five love languages. Before I knew it, before I knew this, I had struggled in my relationship with my wife. I never knew that her love language was time. She just loves me to spend time with her.

0:33:04

Doesn’t matter, I would come back from a trip, buy a gift, she will say, "Thank you" and then it’s left on the desk, totally ignored, and then two months later, it's quietly given to Salvation Army without telling me, but I know. Because gifts is not her big deal. I thought it was deeds of service. I volunteered to wash the dishes, do this, and you know I wash, I wash. It wasn't that. I couldn't, uh, try to give her everything- words of encouragement, I tried to give her touch, nothing worked. I couldn't give her time because I didn't have time. I didn't think that was a wise use of time. And then one day when I read the book, I said, "Oh my goodness, you stupid fellow, that's all your wife wants, it's your time." So now when I come back from the trip, I sit with her, she reads her Bible, I read my Bible, she reads her book, I read my book, but I'm with her.

Maybe every half an hour, "Hey, how are you?" That's fine. That's fine. All she wants is time. She doesn't need words from me. We do have our communication like I said. There are two times that we share and talk. The rest of the day, she doesn't want me to go on yakking to her. But you know what? When I spend time with her, I spoke her language. Before I was speaking a language she didn't understand. Yesterday I asked the Telugu guy, "How do you say I LOVE YOU in Telugu?" Now let me show you my Telugu skills, okay? "Nenu ninnu premistunnaanu" Imagine a Telugu girl fell in love with me and said, "Nenu ninnu premistunnaanu" I said, "Oh my goodness, what are you saying? Why are you making fun of me?" You see, she was trying to be nice, she was trying to tell me she loves me but I didn't get it!

It wasn't my language. It was weird. How many of you have been trying to show love to your wives and your wife didn't get it because it was not her language? Alright, so I hope today, you speak in an intelligible heart language. Now, this may sound almost childish but it works. Simple things, five basic love languages, so let me just share. There are five people in my immediate family- my wife and four kids. Interestingly, all five have each one, one of these gifts as their major. Okay, I won't mention for my kids because they're all here or some of them are here. One of my kids is gifts, alright? Whenever I came back from a trip before, I bought a gift and all the others is like, "Okay, thanks dad!" You know, very polite, leave it there.

Once in a while, they might even be nice to you and open it. But one of them, when you give a gift, ooooh, he's all excited! Keeps talking about it, brings it around, shows it, even if you give a little card, it's kept there, and kept there and put in a very special position. For that kid, it's gifts. Anything else, go on ring a bell. Another kid, you give him a gift, go on, you help him he said, "Dad, I can do it" You touch him he's like, "Why are you touching me at the time?" You sit with him all the time and he would say, “Dad, I'm busy!". All he wants is words of encouragement. That's all! "Good job! Good job!" Every three days, "Good job! Good job!" Sometimes every one month, "Good job! Wow!!!" Enough battery to last a month because I fill the tank. Just with the right words of encouragement, "Wow, that's very good ah!" Enough.

0:37:03

Another one, deeds of service. You try all the rest, not terribly effective. A lot of us has more than one language, uh, okay? Sometimes, you can speak two languages, one your main language, one your minor. But in my kids’ sense, they are quite strong. Another one there - deeds of service. Every time you want to help him do something, "Hey, I'll post the letter for you." Ah, he feels so good. Actually it’s just round the corner only, you know. But you ask other things, don't work. It just doesn't work. And one is touch. Before leave the house, hug. Go down, and twenty minutes, come back, hug, alright. Before go to bed, hug, alright. Simply touch. You want to guess what is mine? Touch, alright. You see when I greet people. I touch everybody, huh, okay. And the ladies I’m a bit more careful but the guys, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

This is me, alright, that's the way my heart functions, my heart language. Now all of you must know how to speak the right language. Don't be "Nenu ninnu premistunnaanu" and nobody knows what you’re saying, okay. Speak the right language to the right person. If you don't think this is important, I feel sorry for you. Sorry. Because it's very pointless to speak the wrong language even if it was a well-crafted speech. It won't be received. Every speech must have a speaker and a receiver. And if the receiver cannot get what you're saying, it's a wasted speech. It's a wasted act, alright. So for me, I say, learn this, how do you diagnose? Very simple. If your wife always gives you gifts, that's probably her language. That's probably her language. If your wife always hugs you, that's probably her language.

Because people tend to express in their common language. I mean, if I'm good in English, I tend to always want to use English. That's, that's natural, alright, so you can easily diagnose that and I hope you will because communication is not only here (point to head), it has to be here (point to heart) because we have both head and heart. Now this almost sounds, oh, not spiritual. Well woman's lib wasn't spiritual either, alright, but it's needful, alright, so I hope our little test is- do you know the love language of your spouse? Are you willing to speak her language? Alright, for me, I'm a time-driven guy. Time-driven. But I know my wife's love language is time. So I say, when I sit with her, no watch, sit down and talk. Just talk.

Just spend time. Alright, and I know she values it greatly. Alright, lastly, a topic, very difficult for us Christians to talk about- Divorce. Very difficult. You know as a Christian, as a pastor, we have to handle situations, very difficult situations. But almost any situation can be handled. Impending death, death of a loved one, no issue. For me to live, I can always tell them, to die is gain. Even when death comes, we have an answer, a good victorious answer. When those who are going through trials- lost a job, terrible things happen to their lives, storm hit them, a typhoon whacks the house down for the umpteen time…

What do you say? Again a promise of God: for we know, we know, that all things work together for good to them... just work out, God may hurt you but He won't harm you. There is a reason. But when it comes to divorce, as a pastor, it is our hardest matter to handle. What do we say? We're all taught that marriage is a symbol of the unity between a believer and Christ and that is a beautiful bond, an unbreakable bond, and then when you come, and have to face the reality of divorce. What do you say? You are speechless, you don't know what to do.

0:42:03

And you know as a pastor, this is the saddest moment. When I see sometimes members passing away, I rejoice, I really rejoice to see the suffering ending, the agony's gone, I know this person is wonderfully saved, saved in the arms of the Lord, when I see them go through trials, I see, wow, at the end they're humble, they grow, they become better and I'm comforted 'cause I know it’s a refining process. But when I see the bond, the portrayal of Christ, and his church shattered, what do I say??? And you know, for you sitting here, right from here, right down, many of you will say, "Pastor, I know this is something that bothers you a lot, troubles you but Pastor, I don't think this will ever affect me. You know, Pastor, I've been a Christian for twenty years. My wife is a Christian.

We are active in the church. We are leaders in the church. We give to the church. We are in missions. Wow, even how troubled marriages, we counsel them. We have good kids that have grown up, good Christian kids. Pastor, I don't think this really applies to us." Today, I want you to sit back in your chair and think carefully. You know my point is this, you and I sit there and say, you know, “it’s not going to happen to me”. Let me tell you, I just read a book. It's called The Danger, The Spiritual Danger of Doing Good. Peter Greer. If you get a chance to get the book, I've read it and I gave the book away to a friend in the Philippines, a pastor. So I don't have the copy now.

But I remember reading in this book just a few weeks ago, and I hope my data is correct, uh, I stand corrected if I'm wrong, but I think this is what it said, "Fifty percent of all Pastors’ wives, listen carefully, fifty percent of pastors’ wives have contemplated divorcing their husbands." I'm not talking about adulterous husbands, no. Eighty percent of pastors’ wives feel their husbands overwork. Now today, I'm gonna ask you a question, how many of you think your husband's overworked? Maybe everyone. Maybe many. I'm talking about pastors’ wives. This is the generation we live in. This is the generation where we are the fruit, the grandchildren or children of the woman's lib movement.

0:45:02

And fifty percent of pastors’ wives, mind you, that could be my wife, contemplate divorcing their husbands, have contemplated. Are you immune? You guys think that's not gonna happen to me. That's denial, folks! That's denial! It can happen to a pastor, it can happen to anyone. Oh, I don't commit adultery, I'm not talking about adultery. I'm talking about frictions, failures in the family, failures in communication, slowly, what's the point of living together? We hardly know each other. Oh, the kids are grown up, let's just go, and let me live my own life! This is reality, folks.

You will see plenty of these right now, right now I'm counseling three men like this, very similar situation who can say almost the same thing, "I don't understand". The pastor's wife can just walk out because of dissatisfaction in the marriage. What about you guys? You know, I hope you take this series seriously. I hope you don't say, "Oh, this is a very useful information, love languages, how interesting! Oh, conversation, how interesting! I didn't realize that. Wow, so cute, quiet time with God, quiet time with my wife." Don't take it this way, folks! You know the devil, has from the beginning of time, wanted to wreck a marriage. He went to Eve, he whispered in Eve's ear, and then we know the first friction in the home took place.

Today, the devil want to do exactly the same. He has no new ideas. But today he works extra hard because he knows the building block of society is not the church. The building block of society is the family. You split the family, you have fractured families, you have shaky families, you have weak families, you will have a weak church, a weak society, weak everything. He doesn't need to attack everything. He just goes right between you and your wife. And if you think that if your life will go on in status quo… well, my marriage is not the best, we hardly talk but life goes on. Don't kid yourself! Don't go into denial! This is reality!

0:48:01

I don't fool around. I love my wife, my wife loves me but you know what's in our prayer always, "God, preserve our marriage. Build our marriage. Make it good." That's our prayer! That's our nightly prayer! Do I take it for granted? I’m a Pastor, I'm not gonna fall. Am I kidding? Everyone of you here, there's a verse in the Bible that warns us. Take heed. "Let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall." Don't sit on the high chair here and look down on people who, who's messed up their lives. Don't sit down here and say, "That's not me! That'll never happen to me." Really? And worse still, don't sit here and say, "I'm okay, I know it's not good, I know we don't have a great relationship but it will go on..." Says who? Says who?

You got a guarantee on that? You better fix it! I beg you to fix it! If you don't have a good conversation with your wife, start today! If your wife doesn't want to have a conversation because of past experiences, I say, "Put the past aside." Deal for today! Today is our future. God is the God of second chances, third chances, fourth chances. Start NOW! Get serious. Have serious quiet time with your wife. Build it before the devil comes and splits you, before some young lady comes and splits you. My plea today with you, I don't want to have to counsel any more cases. I'll take a hundred funerals, a hundred accidents to help. Spare me one more divorce. This is my plea.

So today, I beg you, alright, in closing, my diagnostic question, “How seriously are you in taking this series?” You know, we've come in often, that's a good sermon for this, for him, for others. I say this series is for all of you, young people included, everyone, take this seriously please. This is my plea to this church, whether we have beautiful land, beautiful Punggol, beautiful whatever, God is more concerned with what we are in our lives than what we do with our lives. God is more concerned, how are you, not what are you producing. As I read the book, The Spiritual Danger of Doing Good, I realized how often we try to do good. We want to do more and more thinking God's concern with what we produce.

0:51:06

No. God says,"How's your life?" which means how's your wife? How's your family? Let's bow our heads and close in a word of prayer, "Lord we come today thanking You that You can guide us whatever our past, whatever mistakes we made, whatever neglect we've done to our lives, to our families. We pray you help us to put everything aside. Help everyone in this room to want to build a fresh start, to build anew Lord, to start as it were from the God of Second Chances, another chance to build, to strengthen our relationships. Lord, help us with good relationships with God, with men, beginning with our homes, with our wives, our children, our sisters, our brothers, others, Lord. Help us to know that You want us to have this wonderful relationships, Lord. So we commit this church to You. Thank You, God. We know marriage is tough, Jesus is enough but we have our responsibilities that with Christ, we can build again. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.